[ he had already had his hand working to shove down his own pants when vanitas' hands — cold, small, scarred — grip at either sides of his face, forcing their eyes to meet just as oushi had been so close to baring his teeth and biting down hard on the soft skin of vanitas' neck—
does he want this? yes, desperately. and in this moment, more than he's ever wanted anything in his life. ]
Y-Yes, [ he gasps, because it's the truth. but this close, vanitas should be able to see the conflict in his eyes, the way those greens darken with concern. ] But—
[ but with the clarity granted by the sound of his name in vanitas' voice, he can recognize that while he might want this, with vanitas... he doesn't want it in this way. not because the hotel is making him. not because vanitas is letting it happen.
suddenly, he reels himself back. and he does it with so much force, there could not possibly be anything accidental about the way he cracks his head against the stone wall behind him — not hard enough to truly damage, but just enough to rattle that brain around a little. it's enough of a shock to his system that the urges coursing through him stutter and stall, and he can finally tear himself away from vanitas long enough to truly realize, with horror, what he'd just been so close to doing. ]
S-Sorry. I'm sorry, I—
[ he folds in on himself, clutching at his head again as it lowers to between his knees. he starts mumbling something, breathless and frantic and under his breath. should vanitas strain to hear him, he'd be able to make some of the words out: ]
[Vanitas almost sabotages himself, looking into those eyes up close. It would be far to easy to lose himself in them, the hazel-leaning green of them strangely warm and comforting given the circumstances of the moment.]
But? [He's bracing himself for the worst. For Oushi to admit that he only wants this because his "instincts" are driving this ship. Deep down Vanitas knows that this wouldn't be the way Oushi would want things to go between them the first time it happens, and just knowing that is enough to make him say no when all he wants to say yes. If he were truly as bad as he wanted people to think he was, he wouldn't be this invested in doing things the right way.]
It's fine. You don't need to apologize. We can do-- [His voice trails off to nothing, the sound dying in his throat when he sees the way Oushi makes space between them then curls into himself. Why does his chest feel so tight seeing him this way? This isn't what he wanted. Vanitas watches helplessly as Oushi starts to spiral, but he's beside the other young man in an instant, sitting near him quietly as he listens.]
Are you okay? [He whispers softly, eventually gathering the courage to risk making things worse by pulling one of his hands away from encircling himself to hold onto instead. His ugly marked up hand closing around Oushi's to force his fingers between the other set.] I promise I'm not upset with you. [Vanitas doesn't now if this will help, or if Oushi is even listening, but he brings the other boy's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it apologetically. Maybe it would have been best to not say anything at all.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
does he want this? yes, desperately. and in this moment, more than he's ever wanted anything in his life. ]
Y-Yes, [ he gasps, because it's the truth. but this close, vanitas should be able to see the conflict in his eyes, the way those greens darken with concern. ] But—
[ but with the clarity granted by the sound of his name in vanitas' voice, he can recognize that while he might want this, with vanitas... he doesn't want it in this way. not because the hotel is making him. not because vanitas is letting it happen.
suddenly, he reels himself back. and he does it with so much force, there could not possibly be anything accidental about the way he cracks his head against the stone wall behind him — not hard enough to truly damage, but just enough to rattle that brain around a little. it's enough of a shock to his system that the urges coursing through him stutter and stall, and he can finally tear himself away from vanitas long enough to truly realize, with horror, what he'd just been so close to doing. ]
S-Sorry. I'm sorry, I—
[ he folds in on himself, clutching at his head again as it lowers to between his knees. he starts mumbling something, breathless and frantic and under his breath. should vanitas strain to hear him, he'd be able to make some of the words out: ]
Oushi —ioki... Twenty... —oto, Japan.... Oushi—
no subject
But? [He's bracing himself for the worst. For Oushi to admit that he only wants this because his "instincts" are driving this ship. Deep down Vanitas knows that this wouldn't be the way Oushi would want things to go between them the first time it happens, and just knowing that is enough to make him say no when all he wants to say yes. If he were truly as bad as he wanted people to think he was, he wouldn't be this invested in doing things the right way.]
It's fine. You don't need to apologize. We can do-- [His voice trails off to nothing, the sound dying in his throat when he sees the way Oushi makes space between them then curls into himself. Why does his chest feel so tight seeing him this way? This isn't what he wanted. Vanitas watches helplessly as Oushi starts to spiral, but he's beside the other young man in an instant, sitting near him quietly as he listens.]
Are you okay? [He whispers softly, eventually gathering the courage to risk making things worse by pulling one of his hands away from encircling himself to hold onto instead. His ugly marked up hand closing around Oushi's to force his fingers between the other set.] I promise I'm not upset with you. [Vanitas doesn't now if this will help, or if Oushi is even listening, but he brings the other boy's hand to his lips, kissing the back of it apologetically. Maybe it would have been best to not say anything at all.]