It's a war within ourselves, right? You don't want to push people away by being honest but it also hurts to keep it close. It sounds like you judge yourself for it, too. We're not in ideal circumstances and we probably won't be. I do think it's worth trying, eventually, when you're ready.
You're already wrestling with a lot of regret, right? Not saying something might make you feel worse.
[ She has plenty she judges herself for. The things she's done and will have to do for her own survival... And for what? For the understanding that what she can offer is beauty, a body, and a voice. What a lucky thing that the Golden Peacock so heavily reinforces two out of those three things. ]
I don't mind, really. It's silly but for a long time, I worried about just surviving, you know? So being able to talk about things that are normal feels better.
[ And that's the truth. She's so tired of discussing who needs to die and the logistics of maps and territories and risks. Talking about the mundane is easier. ]
[ oushi had thought, because this was all over text, it would be easier to swallow all those hard truths. turns out, having the words written down, like a constant reminder, feels significantly worse. there's no running from them, no matter how tightly he closes his eyes. the words have already burned themselves into the backs of his eyelids.
he had told her once before, that the worst thing to ever happen to him before all this was a broken heart. he never did get to say the circumstances, did he? ]
i lost my chance be with someone i really cared for, for a really long time i was too stupid to realize until it was too late in the end, i still didn't say anything it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because she was already happy with someone else
but every now and then i wonder if it would have ever made any difference if i realized sooner
[ ...probably not. and he can only consider that for the best. he could have never made yuki as happy as itsuomi does. ]
after that i promised myself i'd be better and do better but how are you ever supposed to know if your truth isn't just going to ruin someone else's happiness?
[ She is very much not the right person for this conversation. What does she know about love or that kind of deeper care? All of those emotions are...secondary to survival, to stability. She doesn't need to love someone to marry them; so long as they're at least somewhat amicable as a person and don't mind keeping her off the streets, does it matter? They don't need to have much of a care for her in their heart.
But she does empathize with another feeling that resonates here: losing your chance to be with someone, even in deeper friendship, because you didn't speak what was on your heart. ]
It's difficult to know. I don't think I can answer the question properly for you in a way that won't feel heavy or upsetting.
I think someone who cares about you would understand that you want to be honest and that your truth isn't meant to hurt, it's only meant as a way of being true to yourself and to the feelings you have for them. And, overall, I think it's a good conversation to have here. A friend of mine from home, he and I already had to have a conversation about how we can keep things civil between us despite what's necessary of our time here.
[ 'civil.' so much denial. ]
I do think it's equally important not to let things go unsaid. I knew people a long time ago who I liked as friends, as people I'd like to know better. We attended an academy together. I kept my distance. And then war broke out.
Some of those people I had to fight one day. People I liked, respected. I often have to wonder if things would have been different if I'd been honest with them. I know it isn't the same as romantic feelings or deeper care. But you never know what will happen, especially in a place like this.
[ she may not be the best person for this talk, but the fact she is still willing to have it with him means everything. and speaks to the kind of person she is; that, for all of her lack of experience with that kind of deeper care, she shows herself fully capable of its depths simply with her desire to keep connecting, to keep reassuring.
at the very least, she provides for him some perspective. she speaks of people she cared for, people she admired. people she eventually had to meet on opposite ends of a battlefield, and while he's sure the war had been out of her hands, he can certainly understand the instinct to wonder if perhaps swords might not have clashed so readily if things were different... if that connection had been maintained, and deepened.
he closes his eyes, forces himself to take in a deep breath, and push it all out as he tries to clear his head towards something a little more open. ]
someone here has a theory about the kind of people who show up here that most, if not all of us, are in some way looking for second chances i'm not smart enough to figure that kind of stuff out, but every now and then i wonder about that
if you could see any of those people here do you think you would tell them now what you couldn't tell them before?
[ It's a tangled question. One of them is even here, but she's no closer to knowing what to say to Sylvain. It's been amicable, of course, but she knows they're both largely avoidant people. It's a bit of a stalemate. ]
Sometimes, I wonder if I just think very differently to people, so they might not see it as important! But yes, I would tell them. They're welcome to reject it or to tell me I'm being silly. I'd even accept it if they hated me for our roles in the war. Still, they were once my classmates and some of them were my friends. I hoped to know them better and I never will once I go home again.
So, yes, I'd tell them. What they do with that is up to them.
dorothea you're a really brave person, aren't you?
[ ah, what is he saying... one would think, because this is all through text, he'd have much more of a filter. alas. ]
i know you probably don't need me to tell you that... but it still felt important to say
i appreciate your advice
[ even if, in the end, all she really said was how she would do things, and not necessarily advising him on how he should move forward. ]
you've given me a lot to think about part of why i put so much effort in the gym is because i want to feel like i could defend myself if i had to, or protect other people here, if they needed it but i think... maybe instead of focusing so much on strengthening my body, i should maybe work on strengthening other parts of myself first
[ If they were in person, she'd laugh. Her, brave? That's so ridiculous. She feels as if she spends too much of her time worrying about the consequences of things, of what will happen to her if she can't find stability. Or, worse, if she simply dies on the battlefield. There's nothing especially courageous about her at all. ]
It's funny. I don't think that way at all. I was pretty unhappy about the war. I hated fighting. I was probably really frustrating to be around! It's nice of you to say it, is what I mean.
[ She thinks her friends back home would disagree entirely but...well, if she twists it, she can maybe believe it's more that she's lucky to have people, and she can be grateful for that. ]
I think it's more important to strengthen the things that are important to you rather than to push yourself towards something that might not be what you want. Don't get me wrong; having a healthy and fit body is good too! But I think it's just as important to make yourself happy as it is to make others happy.
[ it's probably hard to tell over text, but he doesn't mean this to be a reprimand. just a gentle observance, not unlike glancing into a slightly fogged-up mirror. ]
and maybe i'm way off but i don't think you become any less brave just because you reacted like a person to a bad situation
[ what would he be like, faced with a war? to have to suddenly fight to the death against people he once shared a lunchroom with? he genuinely can't even fathom it, and so he assumes he would simply crumple under the weight of it all. but here dorothea is, still offering a stranger smiles despite it all. ]
happiness... looks pretty different, depending on where you are, huh? the things that made me happy back home, i don't know if it would feel just as good here i'll work hard trying to find that out though
I know I can be. It's just, well. It's sort of what I said to you before. I'm a commoner. I'm surrounded by accomplished people who have so much more knowledge of war tactics and statecraft. I'm just a singer. But I still try to do my best, because the people around me are important. I don't want to let them down.
[ So even if she's hard on herself, it comes both from a place of wanting to be needed so no one discards her...and because the thought of being useless is anathema to her, if it means someone might be in danger because of her weaknesses. ]
You said it yourself about finding purpose. I think it's a good way to look at it. We can find a different happiness for ourselves here for a little while, until we go home.
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no subject
You don't want to push people away by being honest but it also hurts to keep it close.
It sounds like you judge yourself for it, too.
We're not in ideal circumstances and we probably won't be.
I do think it's worth trying, eventually, when you're ready.
You're already wrestling with a lot of regret, right?
Not saying something might make you feel worse.
[ She has plenty she judges herself for. The things she's done and will have to do for her own survival... And for what? For the understanding that what she can offer is beauty, a body, and a voice. What a lucky thing that the Golden Peacock so heavily reinforces two out of those three things. ]
I don't mind, really.
It's silly but for a long time, I worried about just surviving, you know?
So being able to talk about things that are normal feels better.
[ And that's the truth. She's so tired of discussing who needs to die and the logistics of maps and territories and risks. Talking about the mundane is easier. ]
no subject
he had told her once before, that the worst thing to ever happen to him before all this was a broken heart. he never did get to say the circumstances, did he? ]
i lost my chance be with someone i really cared for, for a really long time
i was too stupid to realize until it was too late
in the end, i still didn't say anything
it wouldn't have mattered anyway, because she was already happy with someone else
but every now and then i wonder
if it would have ever made any difference if i realized sooner
[ ...probably not. and he can only consider that for the best. he could have never made yuki as happy as itsuomi does. ]
after that i promised myself i'd be better
and do better
but how are you ever supposed to know if your truth isn't just going to ruin someone else's happiness?
good lord this is long, sorry!
But she does empathize with another feeling that resonates here: losing your chance to be with someone, even in deeper friendship, because you didn't speak what was on your heart. ]
It's difficult to know. I don't think I can answer the question properly for you in a way that won't feel heavy or upsetting.
I think someone who cares about you would understand that you want to be honest and that your truth isn't meant to hurt, it's only meant as a way of being true to yourself and to the feelings you have for them.
And, overall, I think it's a good conversation to have here.
A friend of mine from home, he and I already had to have a conversation about how we can keep things civil between us despite what's necessary of our time here.
[ 'civil.' so much denial. ]
I do think it's equally important not to let things go unsaid.
I knew people a long time ago who I liked as friends, as people I'd like to know better. We attended an academy together.
I kept my distance. And then war broke out.
Some of those people I had to fight one day. People I liked, respected.
I often have to wonder if things would have been different if I'd been honest with them.
I know it isn't the same as romantic feelings or deeper care. But you never know what will happen, especially in a place like this.
delicious 🍽️
at the very least, she provides for him some perspective. she speaks of people she cared for, people she admired. people she eventually had to meet on opposite ends of a battlefield, and while he's sure the war had been out of her hands, he can certainly understand the instinct to wonder if perhaps swords might not have clashed so readily if things were different... if that connection had been maintained, and deepened.
he closes his eyes, forces himself to take in a deep breath, and push it all out as he tries to clear his head towards something a little more open. ]
someone here has a theory about the kind of people who show up here
that most, if not all of us, are in some way looking for second chances
i'm not smart enough to figure that kind of stuff out, but every now and then i wonder about that
if you could see any of those people here
do you think you would tell them now what you couldn't tell them before?
no subject
Sometimes, I wonder if I just think very differently to people, so they might not see it as important!
But yes, I would tell them.
They're welcome to reject it or to tell me I'm being silly. I'd even accept it if they hated me for our roles in the war.
Still, they were once my classmates and some of them were my friends.
I hoped to know them better and I never will once I go home again.
So, yes, I'd tell them. What they do with that is up to them.
gently merges the two convos they're having...
you're a really brave person, aren't you?
[ ah, what is he saying... one would think, because this is all through text, he'd have much more of a filter. alas. ]
i know you probably don't need me to tell you that...
but it still felt important to say
i appreciate your advice
[ even if, in the end, all she really said was how she would do things, and not necessarily advising him on how he should move forward. ]
you've given me a lot to think about
part of why i put so much effort in the gym is because i want to feel like i could defend myself if i had to, or protect other people here, if they needed it
but i think... maybe instead of focusing so much on strengthening my body, i should maybe work on strengthening other parts of myself first
ueueueue oushiiiii
It's funny. I don't think that way at all.
I was pretty unhappy about the war. I hated fighting.
I was probably really frustrating to be around!
It's nice of you to say it, is what I mean.
[ She thinks her friends back home would disagree entirely but...well, if she twists it, she can maybe believe it's more that she's lucky to have people, and she can be grateful for that. ]
I think it's more important to strengthen the things that are important to you rather than to push yourself towards something that might not be what you want.
Don't get me wrong; having a healthy and fit body is good too!
But I think it's just as important to make yourself happy as it is to make others happy.
embarrassing...
[ it's probably hard to tell over text, but he doesn't mean this to be a reprimand. just a gentle observance, not unlike glancing into a slightly fogged-up mirror. ]
and maybe i'm way off
but i don't think you become any less brave just because you reacted like a person to a bad situation
[ what would he be like, faced with a war? to have to suddenly fight to the death against people he once shared a lunchroom with? he genuinely can't even fathom it, and so he assumes he would simply crumple under the weight of it all. but here dorothea is, still offering a stranger smiles despite it all. ]
happiness... looks pretty different, depending on where you are, huh?
the things that made me happy back home, i don't know if it would feel just as good here
i'll work hard trying to find that out though
no subject
I know I can be. It's just, well.
It's sort of what I said to you before. I'm a commoner.
I'm surrounded by accomplished people who have so much more knowledge of war tactics and statecraft.
I'm just a singer.
But I still try to do my best, because the people around me are important. I don't want to let them down.
[ So even if she's hard on herself, it comes both from a place of wanting to be needed so no one discards her...and because the thought of being useless is anathema to her, if it means someone might be in danger because of her weaknesses. ]
You said it yourself about finding purpose. I think it's a good way to look at it.
We can find a different happiness for ourselves here for a little while, until we go home.